is this even real?

The worst part about death, to me, is that we typically don't know when it's coming. And I'm not talking about our own lives. We have no idea when someone we love will go before their time, so we're not consciously and constantly treating them how Jesus would. Instances like last night cause me to reevaluate how I treat people on a day-to-day basis. I don't like telling people I love them because I think those words are overused...but then again, how will anyone ever know I love them unless I tell them? Acts of kindness aren't always good enough. I mean that's how I show people I care about them, but I'm sure it'd be nice to hear it too. And I should be nicer to my family. My brothers and sisters and parents and cousins have been my only faithful friends, and I don't know what I'd do if I lost one of them at this point. I wish I could have gotten to know my baby brother better. I know he was special and I can't wait to see him in Heaven. As for last night, I pray that this mourning time for the Self family will bring them closer together and make them stronger in their faith. Although the Lord has a purpose for everything, figuring out that purpose is often a puzzle with a million pieces that most people give up on. But I hope God reveals the purpose for Jason's death to his family eventually. I still can't believe this. I don't want to believe it. But...Rest in Peace, Jason Self. Have a blast in Heaven!

Hope

Mistakes -
Made by one
Affecting all
Forgiven by the One
That matters most of all

Blame -
Accused by one
Accused by all
Cast on the One
Who can carry it all

Fear -
Afraid of one
Afraid of all
Open up to the One
who already knows it all

Judgement -
Criticized by one
Criticized by all
In the end they're the ones
Who'll most likely fall

Enemies -
Pray for one
Pray for them all
Even though they're hoping
For your downfall

Hope -
Hope for one
Hope for all
Hope comes from the One
who's already saved us all

letter to a long lost friend

When I first heard that you were going to sail the ocean, I thought to myself it would be quite a learning experience. I didn't want you to leave because I knew you had a lot of growing up left to do before you put your life at risk. But being the faithful friend I am, I let you go and supported your decision. It seems like it was only yesterday when I watched as you left this tattered wooden dock. The unsure smile on your face as you waved goodbye assured me that I would have to keep a close eye on you throughout your journey. But when do I not? You should have seen your face when those surfers "accidentally" splashed freezing cold water all over you during one of your many short-lived naps. It was priceless! =) I bet you didn't think I could still see you as you drifted onto a nearby island, but I definitely could. A pretty island with lots of people...fun, right??... I know you know that the people there didn't want anything to do with you. I saw it coming, and could have spared you some heartache if you had only been listening to my voice. I know rejection hurts. Believe me, I know. But I also know there's still hope...which is why I'm writing you this letter. Did I mention I saw you drift further down to the next island? Apparently your new friends there just wanted your boat. To them it was a way to escape the place they had not planned on calling their home for so long. I noticed they made it off the island just fine, and I'm proud of them for choosing to do so. I also noticed that you were fighting for your life as you swam towards the boat you knew you'd never catch up to. For a moment I felt your fear of drowning, and begged you to catch your breath and to forget about that precious boat of yours. I know how much you invested in it, but I wanted you to realize that no boat or raft could save you at this point. You have no idea how badly I wanted to come rescue you myself. But every time I called your name, you let the waves carry your body further and further away from my voice. You should have kept fighting against the waves. I mean, who wants to be out there all alone? You looked miserable! I wish you would've called as soon as you got lost. It would have saved us both a good amount of grief. These days I can see the top of your head bobbing up for air every few moments. The thing I want most is for you to cry out for help. I know better than anyone that you don't want to give up. So, I hope these waters carry this note the same direction they're carrying you, and I hope you find it soon. Just remember that I can rescue you no matter how far you drift away from me. Just call my name! I still care about you more than you can comprehend, and I'm longing to hear from you...


Love,
God

Be Still

I told you to be still.
But still I felt your footsteps
running further into the mess
that you made all on your own.

I told you to just listen.
But still I heard the words that passed
mindlessly through your lips,
as if self control did not exist.

You can't seem to obey, dear child.

I know that you are hurting.
I know cause I hurt with you.
But only for a moment,
for I know what lies ahead.

I told you to not worry about the future.
But still you ask what you're going to do next.
What YOU are going to do next...
leaving Me out completely.

So where do you go next?
Again I say, "Be still..."
But your career is too important
to lay down just yet.

You have to go though life
staying busy for the kingdom.
Because you have to do all the work
in order for the king to be happy.

But you won't even listen to what truly makes the king happy!

So go on with your busy work and ignore me again as I say: ''Be Still, and know that I am God.''
Still, I am looking for one who will listen and obey Me. One who will be still, and let Me be God for a change.

TOKYO's class

Tonight was so amazing. A lot of people came to class, including my favorite dancer & friend Karissa Miles (remember her name, she'll be famous). I can't wait until physical therapy is over and I start feeling better.

Dear Jesus

if my heart does not break when i think of the lost,
then i really am lost myself.
if i won't give my life for your dying child,
then take away my good health.

if my money's better spent on coffee than missions,
then burn down the coffee shops.
if the music i listen to is for entertainment,
then play your praises from hilltops.

if the reason i'm on stage is to be in the spotlight,
then speak darkness into the auditorium.
if i close my ears just to open my mouth,
then go ahead and mute the volume.

if i won't go to war for your name's sake,
then let my name be shattered.
if i only pray for the desires of my heart,
then change my desires to my master's.

if i won't let you hold me, even when you ask,
then show me how it feels to be lonely.
if my inspiration comes from things of this world,
then reveal that only you have beauty.

if my motive to dance is to win competitions,
then i might as well be paralyzed.
if i try to prove that a sinner can't be restored,
then your word proves wrong what i surmised.

if i get caught up in anything but your love,
then take everything i have, nothing to spare.
and if i ever need a great awakening, Lord,
please remind me again of this prayer.

yay life!

I took the ACT again today. And because we were in rooms according to last initial, Sara (favorite cousin) and I got to sit right next to each other! moral of the story, this was probably the worst either of us have done on a standardized test because we could not stop laughing at what the other was thinking (that's right we have telepathy). and the BEST PART OF MY LIFE is that i'm moving into her neighborhood in two weeks!!